Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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