So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Randomize
