plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
They left me at home... I'm a liability
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
