There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
