Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
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