Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
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