I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Randomize
