Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Randomize
