Sorry, I don't speak sober.
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
