Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Randomize
