I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
