Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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