you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
