Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Randomize
