Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
