im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize