I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
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