Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
redhead is getting on the bull...again red head is getting on the bull!
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
Randomize
