Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Randomize
