some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist