your thong is hanging out like whoa
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
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I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
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Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up