so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
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