The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I came so hard my ears popped.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
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