Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
