youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
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