I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
