i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize
