Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
