i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
40s are totally the cure
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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