I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Randomize
