In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Randomize
