Midget sex pt 2 tonight
SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
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