before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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