I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?