Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
i drank out of a bidet.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
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