You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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