so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Randomize
