I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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