If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
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