my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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