Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Randomize
