I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
