My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Cool, see you soon... she just admitted to her friends that it was a queef.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
Randomize
