hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
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Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
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