I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
Dicks are not precious.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
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