it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
