Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
