i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
