I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
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