I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
The 19 Strangest Things People Use To Get Off
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
These 25 Normal Couples Tried Porn Moves During Sex And It Ended Horribly
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.