my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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