I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
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