Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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