I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
