You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Randomize
