Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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