Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
